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I know it’s been over a month since yall have heard from me. I made an IG post a couple of weeks ago regarding a stranger being in my house. I got a ton of responses asking if it was a baby. Well friends, I’m NOT pregnant. For future reference, I wouldn’t refer to my child as a stranger. I won’t keep you in suspense, the stranger is ME.
I’ve been battling depression for the past few months, and if I’m being honest, it’s gotten the best of me most days. I’ve written about my depression before in my blog post Zoloft and Pax-il, Depression is Mad Real. In that post, I talked about being depressed in college. Just like most people, I’ve had some bad days, but Depression hasn’t shown up at my doorstep in years. I naively thought our relationship was over. Then, a few months ago he showed up flowers in hand with some pretty convincing pick up lines to woo me. I fell for it hook, line and sinker.
For months, I battled with it silently. I would wait until Anthony went to work or fell asleep and I’d cry and cry and cry. He could tell a change in me, but I had become excellent at hiding my secret like Xscape. As yall know, I go to therapy once a month, and while I was working through other issues I wasn’t being honest about the deepest issue I was battling. That’s what depression does to you. It exploits your insecurities, provides darkness, but makes it feel comfortable and safe.
Months ago I told Anthony that I was very hormonal and emotional during my cycle due to no longer being on birth control (don’t ask me about kids!!!). I talked to my therapist and she said it sounded like I was experiencing Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Since I wasn’t being completely honest, I was like yeah that’s exactly what is it. Isn’t it ironic, that me, the truth teller was out here just lying! Depression does that to you!
Recently, I had to be honest with Anthony, my therapist and most importantly myself. I’m depressed, I have a mental illness. I had become closer to Depression than my husband, but I told him I’d be completely vulnerable about it, and show him all the darkness. When I was finally naked and let him see all of the darkness me and Depression had been carrying behind his back, it saddened him. I had full out meltdowns and let him see it and feel it (from his perspective).
I’m currently on medication. All medication has side effects. I have dry mouth and use the restroom more often now a days (nothing wrong with getting all the waste out lol). My sex drive has been negatively impacted. One night I tried to have sex, but my brain and body weren’t on the same page. Afterwards I curled in the fetal position and cried for 15 minutes because my body no longer felt like it belonged to me. Anthony was right beside me telling me all the things I needed to hear. He said he did his research on my medicine and knew of some of the side effects. Sometimes my body feels like a complete stranger because my brain conspires with Depression to tell me so, and I believe it.
I’m happy to say, the medication is working and I feel a lot better. I’m not 100% back to “normal Sheena”, but I’m 75%-80% there. I’m also happy to report that my sex drive is all the way back (don’t ask me about kids!!!).
I’ll keep you posted on this journey. I’ve battled depression and won once before, and I have no doubt this time will have the same end result.
Until next time loves…