Everyone has heard the saying there’s 3 sides to everyone story, yours, mine and the truth. Well, I beg to differ! Depending on the situation, there may not be a definite truth. It’s merely the opinion of one person versus the other. Therefore, communication is paramount for any healthy relationship to thrive. As I’ve previously stated, I know Wu-Tang said CREAM (Cash Rules Everything Around Me), but for me communication rules everything around me!
On average, I communicate with my mom about 3 times a day. That leaves the door open for several misunderstandings via several different modes of communication. Trust me, it gets real! She’ll say something that hurts my feeling and before I say anything to her I try to process it and see if I’m being too sensitive or taking it the wrong way. After I’ve processed it, I’ll address her. For me the key is giving myself enough time to calm down and not be hurt/mad, but also not waiting too long that she’s totally removed from the situation and can’t recall the motive behind her words. One of the great things about our relationship, is I can say mommie (I spell it that way on purpose) you were wrong. I can call her out on her stuff as long as I do it respectfully. As a child, I was taught to express myself to anyone, no matter their age if I do it respectfully.
One of the toughest things with communication is after you’ve expressed yourself to someone and you don’t always get the reaction you thought you deserved. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I’ve gone to my mom like an adult and said mommie last week you said this and it hurt my feelings because of this. And sometimes no matter how eloquently you profess your hurt, all you get is, “you totally took that the wrong way, but I do apologize”. What I’ve learned from her is we could go back and forth all day about what she said and why she said it, but her side of the story is not going to change just like I’m holding firm to mine. The beauty comes when I’m able to look at her and recall all the days I’ve called her excited about something and she was more excited than me, the times I’ve called her sad about something and she was sadder than me, the times I needed encouragement and she called to encourage me without me even asking for it. As difficult as it is sometimes I must be fine with knowing this is a yours vs mine situation, but the equalizer is the communication on the side.
Communication between Anthony and I changes more than any other relationship I have because we’re in each other’s presence every single day. That takes work! 80% of the time it’s seamless, but that other 20% is when we must buckle down and figure it out. We can be on hour 2 of an argument and one of us must realize this is just a yours vs mine situation now let’s get the communication on the side and moved passed this. Knowing some situations will hurt you is tough, but coming to grips with the fact the other person didn’t mean it the way you took it is your golden ticket out of despair. We’ve all been there! We’ve all called 5 people and told our side of the story not realizing we have a ton of holes in our story because the other person isn’t there to give their version of events. In that moment, it’s best for the other person to listen to you vent, but then redirect you to the person you have the issue with.
I’m a firm believer in the notion that our experiences mold us into the people we are today. We’ll continue to have different experiences, therefore we will continue to change. We all carry some sort of baggage, and often times we don’t realize that baggage affects our view on life. There’s something more difficult to escape than baggage, and that’s insecurities. Our insecurities will have us totally judge a situation incorrectly. There have been times when someone has given me a compliment and instead of me saying thank you I ask, “Are you trying to be funny. Oh, I see you got jokes”. And the person looks at me and says, “no, I was actually being for real”, but at the time I’m so consumed by my own insecurities that I can’t break through to see they’re being genuine. Instead I let those feelings in and hold on to them for days, weeks or sadly even months. I replay the situation over and over in head until it becomes something as dramatic as a Lifetime movie. This is Truth Tuesday people I can honestly admit this and not be ashamed about it because hey, I’m human.
Things that have helped me remember to also have communication on the side
- Taking time to calm down and process the situation, but not taking too long where I’m harboring that unhealthy moment.
- Learning to accept an apology and move on from it. Realizing that sometimes I’m not going to get the outcome I feel I deserve, but having to find solace in knowing that person loves me and would never hurt me intentionally.
- Accepting that some situations will be Yours vs Mine and there’s nothing I can do about it, because we’re two different people with our own set of baggage, insecurities and prejudices.
- Learning no matter what kind of relationship, there has to be constant communication on the side especially the older you get.
- Learning to communicate my changes with others. If I change and no longer want to be communicated a certain way it’s my responsibility to express this to the people in my life. I can’t expect for them to “know they’re wrong” because we both have a different view of the world as well as different molding experiences.
- Don’t be afraid to tell people how you feel about them! If someone is amazing then don’t take it for granted that they know. Open your mouth and tell them and while you’re at it throw in a gesture of love.
Until next time loves…