Images By: Ivory Door Studio
If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m very moved by music. I was introduced to a group called Thirdstory a couple of months ago, and last week I connected with a song called “Searching For A Feeling”. This week’s Truth Tuesday I’ll explore this song.
I was struck most by one single line of the song and, in true Sheena fashion, I waited until 11:30pm to discuss this with Anthony when he was half asleep. I think he’s finally learned that it’s easier to just humor me for a bit and then he can return to sleep. I told him the line that really touched me was “I can’t give you something I can’t find”. Yooooo, let that just sit with you for a second.
I’ve thought about this one line for the past week, and I’ve attached it to so many times in my life and our relationship. If you read my very first Truth Tuesday – Before HutchStew We Were Just Ordinary People then you know, “one of us was immature (Hutch) and the other one was merely imitating relationships they’d witnessed by watching fragmented people (Stew)”.
I was pushy in wanting this relationship to work, because I’d never been in a relationship before. Due to me imitating fragmented people, I was trying to give him something I couldn’t find (a healthy relationship). I forced him into many situations because that’s what people in relationships do (again, I was imitating the wrong people). Like the song says, I’ll be searching for a feeling. I’ve got every reason to feel. Tell me you want me, tell me you NEED me to love you. I was searching for a feeling of love and to be needed, but my friends I couldn’t require that of him when it was something I wasn’t capable of giving at the time.
Did you think I was going to leave Hutch out of this one? He was immature in his way of thinking. He thought, “you shouldn’t be there when I fall down”. Meaning he wasn’t ready for someone to see him at his worst. He thought he had to have it all together before diving into a relationship. He couldn’t give me something he couldn’t find (success), so he thought it was best to wait until he found it.
I feel we all have a tendency to search hard for a feeling not realizing we owe it to ourselves and the ones closest to us to just live. The feeling will come when it’s supposed to come, and most times when we track it down like prey it doesn’t taste as sweet. I remember one time, Anthony gave into one of my many demands, and I felt empty afterwards. In that moment, I was STILL searching for a feeling because I didn’t achieve it correctly.
Present day, we’re both better communicators and verbalize what we’re lacking. We also know that while we’re searching for a feeling if we only open our mouths, the answer (or at least a clue) could simply be tucked away within our mate.
He’s no longer immature in thinking I can’t see him at his worst. And let’s all say a collective Thank God I’m no longer imitating fragmented people. There will still be times, when we can’t give each other something we haven’t found yet, but remember what I said a couple of weeks ago about the scales not being balanced? Yep, that means while one of us is searching for that feeling the other one must support them while also carrying more of the load for a short while.
What are you searching for now a days?
Until next time loves…