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Hey yall, it’s Stew, and I’m back this Truth Tuesday to pick up where Hutch left yall last week.
After Anthony wished me happy birthday on Facebook I went to his page and noticed he updated his profile picture. CHIIILLLEEE, that picture got me (see below). I thought, wait, I don’t remember him looking like this in college. He had gained a little weight and had a baby beard, and I thought well damn when did this happen. I text him to say thanks for telling me happy birthday and also asked if he was doing anything for Homecoming. By the way, I was headed to Atlanta to celebrate my birthday so I had no plans on going to Homecoming, but hey I had to try and make conversation.
A month later we finally went on our first day, and it was a complete MESS!!! I wasn’t pleasant because I didn’t want to be there. I text my friend and asked her to come get me, but she refused. Towards the end of the date we finally sat down and had a decent conversation, and I was sure this was a wasted opportunity for me. I thought there was no way he’d ask me out again. A couple weeks later, we had a Netflix and Chill night. I don’t remember too much from that date other than thinking oh wow this might be my first relationship. Let me tell yall something. I had no clue the ride I was about to experience.
In my blog post Before HutchStew I talked about me imitating relationships I’d witness by watching fragmented people. I was absolutely clueless on how to conduct myself in a relationship. That’s why after a few dates I thought well this has to be it. But, as soon as I was ready to let myself go and see what this relationship had in store, Anthony flipped the switch and went from heavily pursuing me to I’ll see you when I see you. He was never aggressively disrespectful, but there were moments I felt he was being very nonchalant about what could be with us.
Remember when I said I was imitating others? Well, what I’d previously seen is other women taking what they could get especially if he was a “nice guy”. I thought, he’s really nice and he isn’t disrespectful so I can stay around to see where this goes. Add that with the fact I was in my 20s and hadn’t experienced a romantic relationship so my self-esteem was pretty shot. I think a low for me is asking Anthony to hang out and he replied, he was going to hang out with his friends again that weekend because he needed to make memories. Honestly, it was more of how he said it than what he said.
I was very fragile at that time, and also very stubborn so this was the start of “I don’t give a F Sheena”. I picked myself up and decided I was worth more even if he was a “nice guy”. As yall know I was new to therapy so I didn’t have all the tools in my toolbox to help me successfully tackle what was next. Therefore I moved forward from a place of hurt, because I was in the middle of processing my past hurt that was inflicted from trauma. I made an emotional escape plan, but once again I was missing a few pieces so what happened next wasn’t pretty.
I’ll see yall in two weeks, but Hutch will hit you with a dose of truth next Tuesday.
Until next time loves…