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As you know, I was 28 before I experienced my first romantic relationship. I wrote about being single in the blog titled Single Sheena. When Anthony and I got married, I remember thinking I dodged the bullet of heartbreak. This Truth Tuesday I want to tell you how I was wrong about dodging heartbreak.
Heartbreak is one of those things that you truly don’t understand until you’re reluctantly stuck in its grasp. I’ve previously battled depression, and I’m certain heartbreak is its second cousin on its daddy’s side. It makes you surrender to its ridiculous advances by romanticizing your feelings of hurt, despair and worthlessness. It’s a companion I honestly thought I would never have the misfortune of meeting. I’m sure you’re wondering well Sheena, if Anthony didn’t break your heart how the hell did you get there. I’m reminded of India Arie’s song “Get It Together” and the line, “no one has the power to hurt you like your friends”. I was naïve to think platonic relationships were exempt from heartbreak. Boy, was I wrong!
This blog isn’t about how we got there or who shouldered more of the fault. This is about the aftermath of heartbreak, how it changes you, your view of the world, the way you love others (and yourself), and how you move on and try your hardest to actually get over it. I say moving on and getting over (actually let’s say healing) because trust me my friends, they’re not the same thing. One is pure survival and the other one is actually breaking things apart and putting it back together to thrive in your new normal.
As crazy as this may sound, heartbreak made me a better person. It rose my emotional IQ. It’s kind of scary to think I was going through life without fully understanding the importance of my emotions and not allowing them to fully mature due to fear of being seen as weak. I’m not sure I’d be a truth teller on the level I currently reside if it wasn’t for the heartbreak.
In the weeks and months after my heartbreak I STRUGGLED! I’m telling yall it really is related to depression, because I walked around in my robe and cried and cried and cried. One day I told myself, you’re still here so you must find a way to move on (survive). It was difficult, painful and a very slow process. Guess what, I’m STILL here, which means I somehow mastered keeping my head above water. My friends, survival mode is NOT the way to live!
Remember the blog post, Home Is Where The Heart Is? I talked about buying a foam heart, cutting it into pieces and giving Anthony pieces of my heart as our relationship formed. A couple of weeks ago, someone asked me how did I get the pieces to fit back together. That’s the thing, I didn’t! When I cut that foam heart into pieces I was simultaneously shattering my heart in order to rebuild it but with room for Anthony to live it in too. When I put the pieces of my heart back together after my heartbreak, I didn’t reconstruct it the same as before.
Truthfully, I haven’t been able to put it back together. There are times when I mentally find a space for all the pieces and then one day I awake and see the trust piece doesn’t fit. What I discovered is my heart as a whole was broken, but some of the individual pieces now have sharp edges that didn’t used to be there. So some days, compassion makes room for trust’s sharp edges. While other days my compassion can’t over compensate for my lack of trust. It’s not a daily struggle, but it’s still a struggle.
Truth is I’m healing from it, but haven’t completely healed. My heart as a whole is full, has rounded curves and welcoming. But, some of those individual pieces still have sharp edges and have to lean hard on its stronger counterparts (usually grace, mercy and compassion) to get through tough times until I’m fully healed. In the words of John Mayer, “I’m in repair, I’m not together, but I’m getting there”.
Have you ever experienced heartbreak?
Until next time loves…