Before we got married, we sat down and had several conversations about our expectations of marriage. We went to couples therapy before we were even engaged (check out Before HutchStew We Were Ordinary People), and learned a lot about ourselves as well as each other. During our two years of marriage, we’ve continued to work on our communication and we’ve both made it not only a priority but a priority with an asterisk to symbolize its high importance. In true HutchStew fashion we recently talked about our expectations once again. Listen, they change my friends! This Truth Tuesday we’re BOTH on the blog giving you a dose of truth about expectations.
It’s been said that expectations are premeditated resentment. Yooooo, I can relate to this, and I recently talked about it in my blog post titled Last Week I Went To Therapy. My mom always tells me expectations are a quick route to disappointment. I do think we should have expectations, but we must be careful with them. One way Anthony and I eliminated a lot of unnecessary premeditated resentment is to remove gender roles from our marriage. It’s too heavy of a burden for one of us to be solely responsible for certain actions simply because of what is between our legs. It’s very outdated (in our opinion), unrealistic and serves as a breeding ground for future arguments.
So, I bet you’re wondering well what are your expectations. Well, I’m glad you asked because we wanted to break it down for yall.
Anthony’s expectations of Sheena:
Hey, it’s Anthony here and I want to provide a little insight into my thoughts on expectations and gender roles within our marriage. I must first say, that in marriage there isn’t a one size fits all. You and your partner must do what works best for your relationship. Over the years, I’ve learned we usually do what we observe or are taught in our homes while growing up. My parents worked together as a team, so I knew when I got married I would do the same with my wife. Sheena and I are a team, and I don’t have any expectations of her other than the ones mentioned above. We operate as equals, it’s like we’re two LeBrons (we are both the star player of the team). Us working this way makes our marriage run smoother and no one feels overwhelmed, unappreciated or that the burden rests solely on their shoulders.
Sheena’s expectations of Anthony:
My expectations are pretty simple. If Anthony respects me, is honest with me and supports/encourages me then everything else will fall into place. I don’t worry about the expectations for him to take out the trash or other household chores because I’m just as capable of doing those things too. We’re truly an equal team, and no one has more power, control or say so than the other. We work together to figure things out as well as to accomplish goals. I’m not sure about Anthony calling us both LeBron. I’m thinking that was a dig at me because I’m a Kobe fan, but I understand where he’s coming from. We’re both All-Stars. Honestly, this type of marriage wouldn’t work for everyone, and that’s understandable. We just want others out there like us to know that it can and does work, but it requires both people to be extremely selfless, humble and have the willingness to follow sometimes instead of lead. Remember, it’s great to have expectations, but make sure you’re not setting yourself up for premeditated resentment.
Let us know if you like this style of blog post where you hear from both Hutch and Stew.
Until next time loves…
Loved this. I agree that knowing each other’s expectations is so important
It’s so important
I love your take on the expectations. Jay and I have had this talk one day when we were talking about love languages. Our expectations are similar to both you and Anthony. We also believe that we are a 50/50 marriage and work together make things happen. I support him and he supports me in everything. Thank you for your truth. I do like the two perspectives within the blog.
Teamwork makes the dream work ❤️
There are so many things in life that just aren’t fair, and how beautiful you and your husband are is one of those things. You two complement each other very well! I agree with everything you’ve said! I, for one, try to steer clear of expectations, especially as they pertain to other people because I don’t have control of them, just myself. But, there are certain things that are really important to me, as I expect my future partner will have some as well, and it’s important to discuss that very early on. Thank you for this!
Yes, I couldn’t agree with you more. I try not to have such high expectations for others because it’s out of my control.
This is awesome and so needed. What a beautiful display of what it takes to have a great marriage. Communication, respect, support, and the fact that you did not shy away from therapy as many people do is a testament to how committed you are to making it work. Sharing this post!
Thanks so much for reading ❤️
Reading this had me feeling like I was in a hearty therapy session. I loved it! Like your mother, my mom always told me that we need to eliminate expectations to avoid disappointment. However, I’m like you and thing some expectations are good. I think the biggest expectation I have from my husband is support and encouragement. However, I do think this is a topic we need to explore more.
Yes it’s definitely a topic couples have to continue to go back to throughout the years
Love hearing from you both. Funny I didn’t have the typical gender role expectations of my husband but he had them of me. Now that he has passed on, I realize how much more we could have accomplished if we operated as a team.
Teamwork definitely makes the dream work ❤️
Before my husband and I began to officially date we did something similar. I think it is important to know what each other wants or. Needs in a relationship before getting into it
I definitely agree with you
I like hearing from you both. It’s always great to get both perspectives. Removing the gender roles is HUGE. I agree that it’s such an outdated way to look at things.
Yeah we don’t have them and it works well for us
I love this, I don’t believe in gender roles either. I believe in setting the tone and expectations in your relationship based on what works for you.
I love reading about your relationship and do much growth even since I’ve been reading your blog
I love this perspective and I also think its awesome you gave your husband side of his expectations room on the blog. I loved how he said he grew up from parents who worked on a team and that you are him are both Lebrons, both are the stars – that is gold and goals for what I want for myself when I get married.
Yes we definitely try to work together as a team
Have I mentioned how much I love y’alls love?
This post was so on point. I’m bad about setting expectations on myself and then when I don’t meet them I beat myself up. I’m working on just living in the moment.
You’ve been so great about being as nice to yourself as you are to others ❤️
This is great and so true. Knowing ones expectations before moving to a next step is very important. In any relationship really.
I totally agree
Love this! And I love that you both gave your own point of view! I agree with the gender roles, we do what works for us and if someone has an issue they aren’t apart of this relationship!
Right, yes if people don’t get it then it doesn’t matter because they aren’t part of your relationship. Love this Carissa!
I never heard this sentiment before about expectations and resentment. I can see how expectations that are not clearly expressed can end up in disappointment, though.
Yes, great point they must be clearly expressed